January 2010
Michelle Obama wants to eliminate fat kids →
“The unhealthier we are as a nation, the more our health care costs will continue to rise and the less competitive we will be globally,” she said.
Did you hear that? The first lady says it’s unpatriotic to be overweight.
A Newsmax/Zogby poll shows Scott Brown within...
sds:
Of course, this is stupid and utterly meaningless. But I like James Taranto’s take:
C’mon, Scott Brown? His victory last week was undoubtedly impressive, but let’s put things in perspective. Brown is merely a state senator, and by the time of the next presidential election, he will have served less than a full term in the U.S. Senate. What could possibly give anyone the idea that he’s...
“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could...”
– President Barack Obama, State of the Union Address (via themattsmith)
My delusions of grandeur are worse than anyone...
There's no excuse for violence against women...
…unless she is tickling you.
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From a marketing standpoint, maybe now would be a...
I just choked on a Starburst
For a moment there I thought that was the end of me. I’m off in a secluded part of the office where nobody would have found me for a while or heard me as I struggled for air until I finally passed out.
Then it dislodged and everything was okay.
What I realized, however, is that my next thought wasn’t ”thank God I’m not going to die.”
It wasn’t even “I...
If this is you, I hate you.
Today is bagel & donut day at the office. When I got to them, there was half of a sprinkle donut left. Half. As in someone cut a sprinkle donut in half.
Here’s the rule…
If you’re not going to eat the whole donut, DON’T TOUCH THE EFFING DONUT! Leave the sprinkly goodness for those of us that will appreciate it in its entirety.
“Oh but I couldn’t...
#8. When you see me (or my feet) in the restroom...
(via thehandbook)
My latest project: The Handbook for the Socially Awkward.
Please follow it and reblog it and like it and stuff.
WatchTrailer for the MacGruber movie
Sometimes I wonder if there aren’t advanced alien civilizations monitoring Earth thinking, “Why don’t we share our vast universal wisdom to help these poor bastards out? For heaven’s sake, they’re still wiping their ass with rolled up paper!” Then they see something like this and reconsider. ”On second thought, let’s...
WORKTIP: Did you ever notice that when you come...
(via The Handbook for the Socially Awkward)
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“So were Max and Ruby’s parents murdered? Because that’s why I told my kid.”
– @drewmagary
Makes as much sense as anything else.
(via culby)
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Carnac The Magnificent →
Carnac the Magnificent would like you to submit queries.
Remember: all questions must be in the form of an answer for Carnac The Magnificent.
colleeeen asked: Seeing that as a newbie this is directed at me, I might as well! What is your shoe size, blood type, and favorite member of the Village People?
I just got a zillion new followers. Thanks,...
Welcome to all my newbies…. (A lot of you are going to be really disappointed)
I guess if you wanna ask me something, we can do that now.
A client brought our office a gift basket the...
davereed:
In it was a pack of “Wizard of Oz” Pez dispensers. While I was out at lunch, everyone else distributed the dispensers based upon who they resembled most.
When I got back from lunch the Tin Man was on my desk.
FML?
I don’t think that’s a FML. Maybe if they’d given you Dorothy.
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I bet Ted's wife was one of the dancers in the...
muppetpants:
bethlehems:(via hipsterdiet)
The...
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“Actual women are the best.”
– Howard Wolowitz
WaPo: Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo →
Best. Headline. Ever.
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Congrats to Alabama for starting a new sports...
